Hello again,
Bloggers and Blogettes!
So – last week,
I put up a short blurb from my WiP, Devil. This week, I thought I’d do my first Six Sentence
Sunday, and put up a short excerpt of six sentences ... on Sunday.
No one has
seen this bit yet – but as a little background – my two MCs are attacked by one
of their foes, known as a Sentinel, for the first time. And they’re stuck in
sandstorm, with no way to escape ... and it has selected its victim:
... The Sentinel, wreathed in an obsidian aura, glided towards
them. It focused its attention on Rhyia, leaving unconscious bodies strewn in
its wake. She felt her magic leech away and she froze in her seat. Unfamiliar
sensations washed over her, visions of times and places that she had never seen.
Rhyia couldn’t stop the one overwhelming thought that
invaded her mind – the all-consuming craving for Eicherion. And she knew it wanted to
feed. Time stretched as she tried to struggle to her feet ...
... So what did you think? I'd love some feedback!
Thank you for stopping by – if you’re interested in Six
Sentence Sunday, please follow this link!
Very nice. Love the description and the intensity of her feelings. Great six!
ReplyDeleteAmy Durham
It's great. Intense. Descriptive. And makes me wonder what's going on. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI like the scene!
ReplyDeleteSince you asked for feedback, I'd suggest changing the "obsidian" to black. The word snagged my attention out fo the snippet, make me think about volcanic glass, which I don't think is what you want.
The action is also mostly passive and the tension could be ramped up even more if it were direct. For instance...'Her magic seeped from her skin like sweat.' And..."Visions of time and places she had never seen washed through her."
hope it helps!
Thank you1 These were very useful ideas, Wendy - I'll be sure to keep these in mind :-)
DeleteAwesome stuff! where's the rest?
ReplyDeleteThanks Noa :-) ... It's coming - though plotiness for other things got in the way ... Not to mention things have changed a little bit for them both and I've been trying to figure it all out since they hit me with it at Christmas.
Delete